August 12, 2001
Coincidence?
It is very dark in Vietnam at night. It is 1969 and I’m laying on my back in the sands of the South China Sea gazing at more stars than I thought could ever exist, realizing that there are billions more that I can’t see. You would think that this experience: being in a war zone, afraid, staring into the glorious heavens, would bring you closer to God. Not me … I began losing my faith that night.
Looking up into a dark sky and seeing all that splendor... maybe it was being so far away from home and realizing that these were the same stars as those seen at home; the same stars that were seen thousands of years ago; the very same; maybe that is what started me off on that train of thought that took me away from my faith.
Not that my faith had been that strong to begin with...you see, I had been “saved” as a teenager in a moment of emotion that I really failed to carry forward into the rest of my life. But a lot of the fire and brimstone preaching had soaked in and the understanding I had (right or wrong) was that the Bible was supposed to be the law and everything in it was literally true. So, as I lay there contemplating the heavens, the insignificance of the human race suddenly struck me. And as I reflected on some of the things I had heard proclaimed as “truth”, I wondered; “How can we, just another animal on this planet, possibly be so arrogant as to claim the knowledge of creation; especially based on a book written by ancient people who did not have an inkling of scientific processes. And what of the rest of the universe? What other planets are out there with intelligent life who may have a different story to tell. Who were WE, to be so sure that those who did not believe the literal ‘facts’ of the Bible were doomed to an eternity in hell?” I had become like the ‘original’ Thomas ... I doubted. I was not satisfied with faith, I wanted answers.
For nearly thirty years after that night, I struggled with those questions. I really didn’t try very hard to find the answers, though. I attended church occasionally, but always compared the preaching with MY ideas and came away still doubting. I talked with a few preachers but they didn’t alleviate my doubt. I was afraid of believing in something that wasn’t true. I thought that if I did believe in something that wasn’t true, it would make me no better than an idol worshiper or the early Greeks and Romans who had a different god for everything.
I eventually stopped going to church altogether; mainly because of the guilt I felt every time I was in church and they offered communion for those who believed the things that I couldn’t bring myself to totally accept. I felt guilty to go forward and accept communion and I felt embarrassed not to. So I just stopped going to church altogether.
Thirty years after my star-gazing in Vietnam, I was sitting in a hospital waiting room telling God : “Now is your chance to show your stuff, God. If you bring my granddaughter, Ali, out of this coma, I’ll believe in you.” He didn’t.
Now you would think that this experience would have cinched my unbelief. But, on the night of Ali’s death I met a couple of believers who started me down a new path. Sister Rita worked at the hospital to help people in our situation get through it. She was a tiny old nun with crippled legs, yet she was spry in spirit. She got down on those old crippled knees with us and led us in prayer. I also met a United Methodist minister for the first time (and a woman at that), Jeannie Jensen, my son and daughter-in-law’s pastor. Jeannie said a prayer while we all circled Ali’s hospital bed holding hands that night. The gentleness and grace of the prayer that she offered for our family on that night touched me deeply. I can’t remember a word of it now but it doesn’t matter; the comfort that her prayer provided meant so very much to me at that time of sadness. Her grace and kindness impressed me so much that I wanted to go to church again and hear more of this United Methodism. The kindnesses expressed by so many people at that time of our sadness renewed my faith in people and started me thinking about what brought that out in people.
We attended several services here and I was touched many times by Jeannie’s sermons and prayers and the spirit that seemed to be present in this congregation. I wanted the peace that they seemed to have. At one of the services, communion was offered. Jeannie didn’t offer it only to true believers, she also offered it to those who would like to believe. Boy, was I impressed! Because I really wanted to believe in SOMETHING, I just wasn’t sure what yet. My guilt was removed at accepting the gift.
After several church visits, Jeannie asked if she could come and visit with us at our home. We accepted. The evening that she came I confessed all of my doubts and fears about the validity of the Bible and my hesitance at accepting it all at face value. I wondered how the different religions of the world (and even the different Christian denominations) could say so many different things if there was only one God? Jeannie said that no one had all of the answers and there was no single way to believe. God worked in mysterious ways. We can only work towards our own understanding and take the Bible as a guide and not worship it as an idol. She assured me that she had had some of the same doubts and fears but had come to accept by faith.
I was impressed with her candidness and the fact that United Methodists didn’t dwell on the ‘literalness’ of the Bible, but I told her that I still had doubts. I told her that I really wanted to accept and believe, but something wouldn’t let me. I still had the fear of ‘believing’ in something that really wasn’t true. As she left, I told her that I wished that it would be like the TV program, ‘Touched by an Angel’, and someone would appear before me, glowing, and tell me that they had been sent by God to cast away all my doubts. THEN I could believe. But, of course, who wouldn’t?
The morning after talking with Jeannie, on my way to work, I got tired of the country music station I always listened to and switched to a station I seldom listen to; KUDL, light rock, YUCK. Well, just after I make the switch, the DJ says, “Here is ‘Angel’ by Sarah McLachlan”. (click here to hear a few bars)
Blew me away! What a coincidence! The night after telling a pastor that I needed to be touched by an angel and I hear this song. An angelic voice telling me I was in the arms of an angel, pulling me out of the wreckage of my silent reverie, and hoping that I’d find some peace tonight. Touched by an Angel alright! What a coincidence!? Or was it? I wasn’t sure. I had never heard of Sarah McLachlan until that morning, let alone that song. I learned later that the song offended some people because they thought it was connected to the drug culture in some way; but to me, at that time, it meant only good things. And I was touched.
I stopped at the music store after work that day and bought her CD, “Surfacing” . (I just, coincidentally, happened to have Raylene’s car with the CD player). I listened to the whole CD on the way home. Was it a coincidence that the CD also had titles like, ‘Sweet Surrender’ that had words like “The life I left behind me is a cold room where every step I took in faith failed me...sweet surrender is all I have to give, take me now - no questions asked ...”. Another song was ‘Witness’, that said “Make me a witness, take me out of darkness, out of doubt.”. Another song was ‘Full of Grace’ that says: “I feel just like I’m sinking and I claw for solid ground ...come and lift me from this place ... full of grace”.
Now this wasn’t a Christian station or a Christian CD per se; I was beginning to doubt “coincidence” even more. I was being overwhelmed by “coincidences”. Ok, so now I’m pulling in my driveway, I’ve heard the whole CD, the garage door is going up, I pull in, I eject the CD. When the CD gets ejected, the car’s audio system returns to the radio mode. It is still tuned to KUDL. Guess what was playing on the radio. Yes, you’re right, ‘Angel’ was playing AGAIN! I can’t believe in coincidence anymore. I told Jeannie that I needed to be touched by an angel and the Holy Spirit decided that it was time for me to come out of my silent reverie and join His Church. I felt like the Spirit of God and several angels had taken the hand of this “doubting Thomas” and placed it directly on the wounds of Jesus and said “Here is the truth and the light and the way, believe it.”
I immediately made the decision to join the church and really try to become a better person and learn the intent of God’s word and serve him to the best of my ability. I went over to my son and daughter-in-law’s house to tell them the ‘Angel’ story and let them know that I would be joining their church. They were thrilled, of course.
I seldom remember my dreams, but that night I dreamt that I was sitting in a chair at my computer, the door opened and Ali came running to me, all smiles and bubbling, she climbed in my lap, gave my a big hug and kiss, then she was gone. I think she was happy for my decision.
OK, so this is a great testimony, right? But what does it mean to you all out there? To me, it means that the Holy Spirit is still out there recruiting and in such mysterious ways.
For those of you that have had similar life changing experiences, I’m sure you can relate.
For those that haven’t had such dramatic experiences but still maintain your faith and devotion to God, you may be wondering, “Why haven’t I, is something wrong with me? Isn’t my faith strong enough?” Well, I stand here in awe of those of you who have known and accepted the Spirit, in faith, without having experienced the obvious power that some of us have required to be convinced. No one can explain why things happen the way they do, but, as the risen Jesus said to Thomas:
“Because you have seen me, you believe, blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
To those of you who are having doubts and concerns about your faith, I offer a quote from Max Lucado, in his book, “A Gentle Thunder”, he says
“Emotion without knowledge is as dangerous as knowledge without emotion”... “ what is essential is that you know the music is in you...you don’t need a formula to hear it ... you have his promise that the helper would come to comfort, convict, and convey.”
In the Gospel of John chapter 14, verses 16-17, the risen Jesus speaks to believers saying:
“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, to be with you forever. This is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, because he abides with you, and he will be in you.”
I am here to tell you that it is no coincidence that The Holy Spirit (the Advocate) is alive and well, we just need to open our eyes and ears and hearts to see and hear and feel him everywhere. I, for one, am no longer of the world, I am of the Kingdom, because now I recognize that the Spirit dwells within me. And He insists that I share Him with you!
And here is one more “coincidence” to share with you. As I was preparing to attend my first Lay Speakers training session, I remembered that I was supposed to bring a Hymnal with me. I came into the church and picked up the one closest to me. I gasped, “Oh, my God!” when I opened up the front cover and saw that it was one of the two hymnals that Raylene and I had purchased in memory of Ali. Now you can interpret coincidence any way you wish, but I choose not to believe in coincidence any more. I believe that the Holy Spirit communicates with us in many mysterious ways. And I believe that in this particular instance, He and His angels were telling me that I was making a good choice.
Please remember that it is ok to wonder about and question religion. But don’t just wallow in your questions. You must actively seek to know truth. Study. Search. Inquire. Discuss. Pray.
It doesn’t matter whether God took 6 days or 6 trillion years to create His universe and His people. What matters is that He did it. What matters is that He did it for love. What matters is that He did it for us. “For God so loved the world...” that he sent His Son, His Spirit, and His Angels to be with us until the time that we can join Him.
Don’t pick the Bible apart. Don’t worship the Bible. Don’t focus on a few things of the Bible and create your religion from it. The Bible is the inspired message of God to His people, through His people. The Bible may not be literally true in all that it says because even His inspired people are not faultless, but taken as a whole, the Bible is the epitome of TRUTH as it relates to God’s love for us and our relationship with Him and to each other. All praise be to God!
AMEN